Codependency and Adult Children of Alcoholics Therapy in Albany, NY
Codependency develops when the individual grows up in a home where they learn to doubt their perceptions, discount their feelings, and overlook their own needs. They tend to behave in a “people pleasing” manner, often feeling obliged to care more for others than they do for their own self. Another descriptive term for “codependency” is “fawning.”
A long-standing interest in codependency and family systems
What began as an observation about adults who grew up in alcoholic households has expanded into something much broader. Today we understand that children are negatively impacted whenever a parent or caregiver struggles with any addictive behavior, or when a family system is organized around fear, anger, pain, or shame that is ignored or denied. The specifics vary. The impact on the developing child is remarkably consistent.
I believe adult children of alcoholics and of dysfunctional families carry what might be called low-level trauma — chronic, background-level distress that is not always dramatic enough to be recognized as trauma, but that shapes self-esteem, relationships, and work life in lasting ways.
What codependency actually is
Codependency is a learned behavioral and emotional pattern. It typically develops in families where one or more members struggle with addiction, mental illness, chronic shame, or any other condition that makes the emotional environment unpredictable or unsafe. In those environments, children learn to manage their anxiety by focusing on other people — by being helpful, by anticipating needs, by making themselves indispensable, by not taking up too much space.
These are adaptive strategies. They made sense in the environment where they developed. The problem is that they get carried forward into adult life, where they create relationships that are one-sided, exhausting, or harmful — and where the codependent person finds it very difficult to know what they actually want or need, as distinct from what others need.
What it means to be an adult child of a dysfunctional family
The ACOA movement, which emerged in the 1980s, identified a set of patterns that were remarkably common among adults who grew up in alcoholic households: difficulty trusting others, difficulty identifying feelings, excessive self-criticism, an overdeveloped sense of responsibility for others, fear of losing control, and more.
What has become clear since then is that these patterns are not unique to children of alcoholics. They appear wherever a family system was organized around a parent’s unacknowledged needs — whether due to alcohol, drugs, workaholism, chronic rage, mental illness, or emotional unavailability of any kind. If your childhood home was a place where you had to manage carefully — where you learned to read the room, suppress your own feelings, or take on adult responsibilities too young — the ACOA framework may speak to your experience.
The ACOA Bi-Weekly Group
I run a group that meets every other week for individuals who identify with the traits of Adult Children of Alcoholics or of dysfunctional families. Groups of this kind provide something that individual therapy often cannot: the recognition that you are not alone, and the experience of working through these patterns alongside others who genuinely understand.
For more information about ACOA traits, visit adultchildren.org. To inquire about the group, contact me directly.
What therapy for codependency and ACOA looks like
When I work with individuals struggling with relating to others in a co-dependent manner, we first seek to get clear on what specific patterns of behaviors the client engages in that are properly considered “co-dependent.” While the term “people pleasing” suggests that the client is seeking to gain something by behaving as such, we usually discover that the individual is afraid of or anxious about losing something if they do not act in an obliging way towards particular people who are important in their lives. After some exploration, we may find they are acting out of a sense of guilt or obligation. Other times, they may be “fawning” because they are anxious that a partner will leave them if they do not constantly seek to please them.
Understanding the Pattern
Once we get clarity on what is going on, I suggest that the client pick some moments when they notice they are people pleasing, and “do the opposite.” By doing this, they confront the negative feeling that is likely motivating their habit of people pleasing. We then see if they can tolerate the anxiety that occurs when they “do the opposite” and move on, one day, one week, one month at a time. My goal is to help them change behaviors to focus on their own genuine needs and wants — while allowing themselves to feel the sense of loss and grief that often occurs when they stop focusing on others. That grief is real. It deserves to be felt, not bypassed.
Reconnecting with Your Own Needs
For many codependent individuals, identifying what they actually want — as distinct from what others want, or what they think they should want — is genuinely difficult. This work takes time and patience.
Working Through Grief
When codependent individuals begin to put themselves first, they often experience guilt, anxiety, and grief. That grief — for the relationships that were not what they needed, for the childhood that was not what it should have been — is important and worth working through carefully.
Building Healthier Relationships
The goal is relationships that are genuinely mutual — where you can be known, where you can say what you need, where you are not responsible for managing everyone else’s experience. This is possible. It takes work and it takes time.
Questions about codependency and ACOA therapy in Albany, NY
An Adult Child of an Alcoholic is someone who grew up in a home where one or both caregivers struggled with alcohol or drug addiction, or who was emotionally unavailable due to any addictive or dysfunctional behavior. Today we understand that children are negatively impacted whenever a parent struggles with any addictive behavior, not just alcohol.
Codependency is a learned behavioral and emotional pattern in which a person’s sense of security depends on meeting other people’s needs, managing other people’s feelings, or maintaining relationships that may be one-sided or harmful. It often develops in families where fear, pain, anger, or shame were present but not acknowledged or addressed.
Yes. I run a group that meets every other week for individuals who identify with the traits of Adult Children of Alcoholics or of dysfunctional families. Contact me directly to inquire about the current group.
Yes. The ACOA framework applies to anyone who grew up in a family where the adults’ needs consistently took precedence over the children’s — due to addiction of any kind, mental illness, chronic anger or shame, emotional neglect, or any other pattern that made the home environment unpredictable or unsafe.
Working on codependency typically involves identifying the patterns that developed in your family of origin, understanding how they show up in your current relationships, and gradually shifting focus toward your own genuine needs and wants. This process often involves feelings of grief and loss — that grief is real and worth working through carefully, not bypassing.
Recognizing the pattern is the first step.
If what you have read here resonates with your experience, a conversation is a reasonable next step. I respond to all inquiries within one business day.
This line does not accept texts.
I usually respond within one day.
Telehealth available across NY and NJ
Send a message
Fill in the form and I will be in touch within one business day.
Ready to understand these patterns more clearly?
I usually respond within one business day. There is no pressure — just an honest conversation.